My process to gray included a lighter shade of blond and some test highlights of gray in the temple area. This of course led to more gray showing now than ever - a very disturbing trend for me but one I forget about when not faced with a mirror. Obsessing over the upcoming transformation I was discussing this with my family. My three sons are a bit horrified by the notion as thankfully they do not think of me as old - but with the talk of gray hair that is somehow changing. My eldest said just make sure you rock it mom like you do everything. My second son said it's going to be weird but he is okay with it - always the practical and analytic one. My youngest says 'Man You Old' - funny for 17 - horrifying for 50.
Actually it was funny the way he said it and we all laughed. The idea of getting old, why is it so bad? I am struggling to understand this part of me that both embraces age and hates it. One part of me is thrilled to be 50, having lines, and gray hair. I feel great, can still run, am doing well at work, have a wonderful husband, and thriving children. This weekend I bought a paddle board hopped on and cruised around, no problem. I started practicing yoga this year and feel amazing. This does not feel old, but it is all very relative.
When I was younger I used to imagine what the older me would be like. I reflect back on those younger me thoughts and am happy to learn that what I thought aging would be like is not what I feel. The younger me thought 50 was old and that would be somehow a bad thing, yet I still ask myself then so what is wrong with age and the physical signs it brings? Now on to the other me that stresses over the idea of showing my age, as if somehow I cover the gray it makes my age not so. Why is aging for a woman like the end of her vitality or attractiveness? Is it an imagined reality or is it true? Isn't there beauty and vitality at every age? I feel there is and yet I hide my age as if it defines me.
Tomorrow the youthful color is going to be stripped from my hair but it should not change how I feel about me. I hope it will be what I want and that it brings an even greater confidence by not being afraid to show the real me or stressing when the sparkly highlights show through. I will let you know how I feel, the reaction at home, and at work but I still can't shake the comments of youth: Man you old.